Ahhh! Why did I watch?

Dancing to me is a great expression of freedom...dancing in public, that is. You have to either really know what you're doing or not care at all about the opinion of those around. In other words, you have to be confident.

Last night, I saw myself on TV. My Sisters and I were invited to a show and we had an interview and sang a song...we danced too. I was very nervous, because I'm not a dancer, instead, I'm very insecure. The show had been recorded the night before, so my Sisters and I got the chance to watch. AHHHH!!!! Why did I watch? It reminded me of something Troy said last week. He said that when someone takes a picture of you in a group, the first thing you look for in the picture is yourself and all the things you're insecure about. Well, that's exactly what happened last night. Instead of enjoying the show, instead of celebrating the great opportunity that God had given us, instead of also noticing how great my Sisters were doing, I was suffering! I was watching my every move, hating every single one of them. I hated the way I was sitting, the way my face looked whenever I smiled, I hated the fact that I felt shy so I didn't really talk much, and my dancing...I was totally troubled by my dancing. I compared every move I struggled to make with the very smooth way in which my two Sisters just cruised through the song. The experience, instead of being joyful, turned into a sea of insecurities in which I felt I was drowning.

The show ended, everyone celebrated and I was totally depressed. Of course, my family knows I'm not a pro at dancing, but none of them saw what I saw. However, I made sure to tell them every little thing I did wrong, I pointed everything out to them and I doubted and rejected any encouraging comment or compliment that they gave me. They tried to lift me up, since by that point I was already in tears, hating myself and my insecurities, but the effort was in vain.

You might think Pris! You need therapy. Why are you sharing this? I don't know...I guess it's liberating to me when I'm naked in front of you guys. Maybe this is my therapy, to share with you how I struggle with accepting who I am, to talk to you about the giants I get to face everyday. Maybe this is my therapy, to tell you how weak I really am. So glad to know that God's power is made stronger in my weaknesses. How can He use someone like me to bring life to others and to even encourage other people that struggle with my very same issues as me? That's how He works. God doesn't look for perfection, He looks for hearts that are willing to let His name be glorified.

You see, when I get a compliment about my singing and how God touched someone's heart as I sang, all I can do is think "thank you God, for using this imperfect vessel to fulfill your perfect plan". I know, no doubt at all, that it's all of Him and nothing of me.

I'll continue to work on being more confident, accepting how God made me and embracing what makes me different from others. I'll also start looking into taking some dancing lessons...that wont hurt : )

That was good therapy....I feel better now.